DEP’T. OF HEALTH: I Failed My Blood Test

in Hmm Weekly
on June 8, 2021


I TRY TO be a Good Citizen. When the COVID-19 was going around like wildfire, I took it seriously and observed the Guidance and exercised the Prophylaxis. Through this whole thing now, I behaved myself, even though I had a specific belief that I totally had the COVID-19 in November of 2019, I observed all the stuff!

Eventually I got a vaccination, and then another one, and months later now, tonight, I’m gonna go to a baseball game in a baseball stadium where there is no longer a capacity limit. This shit’s wide open! I hope you didn’t get sick and if you did, I hope you are OK now, and if you lost somebody, I am very sorry. This has been terrible, and all the malletheads out there scoffing haven’t helped one fucking bit.

After I got my shots I signed up for the COVID-19 Community Research Partnership. Every day I fill out a quick questionnaire asking me how I feel, do I have any symptoms, have I been around any COVID-19, do I wear a mask in public, and do I have any test results, COVID-19-wise.

The other day I got a blood test kit in the mail, and I was like: Yes! Now I will find out if I had the COVID!

The kit.

But of course it doesn’t work like that. If you got the COVID, after you recover, the proof doesn’t stay in your blood for long, it’s like the Common Cold, you get one, you get over it, you are somehow not able to get another cold for awhile, and then eventually you get another goddamn cold. I sure hope America is ready for that kinda Reality with COVID-19. Anyway, back to me and my participation in Science!

So I get the kit open and I do the whole thing, and of course I didn’t read the instructions properly and I immediately tried to recycle the box I was supposed to use to ship back the kit.

Good Citizens recycle!

There’s this little gizmo that you use to stab yourself in the finger, and then you’re supposed to bleed on this card inside the circles.

Tiny stabby device.

Then you put it in a BIOHAZARD bag and put that bag in the box you were supposed to keep, and then put that into a special-color Fedex envelope and off it goes. Science! Good Citizenry! I felt pretty good about myself, being a Participant.

About a week later?!? I got a test result, which I do not believe was from the thing I sent in, but anyway, it said I was Positive, but that was because I got vaccinated.

So that was unsatisfying in terms of me ever finding out if I had it back in 2019, but anyway, Science!

A few days ago, I got another test in the mail, like the first one, except there was a card in there that was like, “you didn’t get the blood in the circles correctly,” which hurt my feelings because I thought I did a good job! So I went and did the test again, except this time, I couldn’t get my finger to bleed very well on the first try, and then even on the second try, I messed up, and those little finger-stab things only work one time, so I just went with what I had, and when I was putting the test box in the Fedex envelope, I forgot about the sheet of paper where you’re supposed to put the date and time, so I hadda cut the envelope back open to put it in and then put tape on it, which might creep out Fedex, since they know what’s in those special-type envelopes, I guess?

Bleeding but not accurately

Also! I found the original stuff from my first test kit, which was on The Pile on the kitchen table, do you have a Pile? Mail, glasses, magazines, a mask? Anyway, I had one of the stabby-things in there, so I cut the envelope open again and I still couldn’t get the blood outta my damn finger properly. Worse than last time! So I wrote a note on the box and sent it in. I’m trying to be a good Citizen!