MR. WRONG: Mars Needs Robots

in Hmm Weekly
on April 14, 2021

WHAT THE FUCK is with these kabillionaires shooting off rockets all the time? Kaboom! I understand about all the satellites and stuff but why on Earth do they (and you know who They are) wanna go to Mars? Isn’t it good enough for them that they bought New Zealand, what’s this fascination for going to a legit hostile Alien Planet?

I get that the richfucks might just be looking to Exploit the Solar System and line up a buncha suckers who think they are Pioneers, and get them to travel to Alien Worlds and see what happens to ‘em when they get there, test-subject-wise. I think that explains these Publicity things about how you can get a ticket to ride on one of these rocket ships. You think you outbid everybody or won a Prize, but you’re just another fucking Astro-Chimp.

Why the fuck would any self-respecting and semi-intelligent Earth Creature wanna go to Mars? We have robots! There’s zero reason to send a human being to a goddamn Harsh Realm. We have Artificial Intellects and creepy fucking Police Dog Robots getting positioned to subjugate the populace, why the fuck wouldn’t we want to just send Space-Bots to go dig around on Mars? Off-topic for a sec about the Robot Dogs. I will not be held responsible for losing my shit completely if one of those goddamn things gets anywhere near me! I will fucking sledgehammer a robot dog! I’m not responsible for having a Survival Instinct, no jury will convict me! Unless it’s a goddamn dirty-ass Robot Jury. Fuckers.

Anyway, don’t go to Mars, seriously, I heard there’s this seasonal methane release on Mars that the Scientists have observed, and you are of course pleased to make your own jokes about Seasonal Methane Release, but yes, it’s possible that it indicates some sorta biological activity! Biogenic Methane Release! Silent But Deadly! Bug Planet! A planet hostile to life as we know it! 

Look, even if the Mars-creatures don’t pop up right away, there’s probably some sorta teensy-weensy Martian Germ or an Alien Space Chemical that will drill into a soft Human Body and recombinate the Code so that when those Astro-Schmucks come back from being cool and going to Mars they’ll fucking kill everybody on Earth with their altered Vampires of Mars DNA-whatevers! No! We’re almost done with a fucking Pandemic! Planetary! Earth! Enough! Build the Space Wall!

You know what, I’m tired. I’m tired of kabillionaires who could just fucking grow food for starving people and provide clean energy for my TV, but no, they wanna keep doubling down on whatever they did to Get Rich and they don’t even wanna Die Trying, they want dipshits who think they’re smart, think they’re Astronauts (but really they are livestock cargo), to jump on their exploding rockets and go to a Planet that never asked for visitors. 

OK, sure, suckers, go ahead, for reals, go to Mars on some richfuck rocket, but don’t fucking come back! No more Earth! You are a Martian! You lost your Earth Privileges! One-Way ticket! Stay there! 

The only Off-World place We The People are supposed to go is The Moon. We own it, it is literally in our orbit. In The Future, no offense, The Moon will be our Natural Resources mine for stuff like Helium, so we can have mylar goddamn balloon parties, and we will put giant Solar Reflector-things or whatever on The Moon to send cheap power back to power our electric cars and my TV, and most importantly, Moon will be our Radioactive-Garbage dump, when we figure out how to scoop up Chernobyl, and the nuclear Three Mile Island, and that totally fucked-up Japanese one, where they’re getting ready to blast radioactive water into the ocean, for fuck’s sake. That’s where all that nuke stuff is headed. The Moon, man, it’s a barren, lifeless rock, no way we can fuck that up, right?