COLUMNS

Meanwhile, whose Summer is it? All I can think is: Summer of Sam, that was an Ownership of a Summer, you could look it up!

Cicada cicada cicada cicada cicada cicada cicada cicada cicada cicada cicada cicada cicada cicada cicada cicada.

The Man wants Control. The Man wants you to Obey. The Man wants theirs first, dig? The Man is not your friend, and not your fam! The Man!

Anyway, don’t go to Mars, seriously, I heard there’s this seasonal methane release on Mars that the Scientists have observed.

Slice my ham, stop fooling around!

EVERY TIME I chop onions (I am not good at it) I remember that movie about Julia Child where she enrolled in the famous Cordon Bleu, and there was a lab where the baby Bleus hadda learn how to chop the onions, because the onion is a building block of gastronomy or something. Your whole […]

Dear The Sophist, My friend chose to “misread” our state’s vaccine requirements—on purpose, because supposedly “everyone else” was doing it at her K-8 school—and skipped the line ahead of people who are 70+ and healthcare workers/staff because it’s an honor system to sign up. Our group text told her she was wrong but she chose to […]

I am torn between the guilt of obligation to attend the funeral, and a powerful desire to continue to not speak to these people.

I know that right now is not really a time when lots of people should be getting together to watch the Big Game, or even a little game.

Personally, I do not want to eat a Groundhog.

It's a game of Chicken! I would feel bad if a bunch of regular people got burned.

Trump staffers are worried that the insurrection might hurt their career opportunities, but many of their former colleagues had no trouble finding nice jobs in the political influence industry.

I LIKE TO drink wine more than I used to. Anyway, I’m drinking more. I know it’s January, and a lotta people like to “dry out” and not drink any wine, or beer, or liquor, or that new-style juice that’s fizzy water with hooch in it, and have a “Dry January,” or “Dryuary,” for fuck’s […]

It's the most wonderful time of the year: Nothing.

Dear The Sophist, It’s been painful to see a lack of sophistry in this space the last few weeks—it’s like no one is right about anything anymore. Fortunately, I’m right about something that popped up lately, and I’m hoping for some stylish confirmation of it.  A friend who recently got a dog says that he never […]