MR. WRONG: Price Clubbing

in Hmm Weekly
on April 8, 2021

I DON’T LIKE wearing a mask any more than any pea-brain out there who doesn’t want to wear a mask because it stifles their Freedom or whatever, but when I go to the Price Club to score asswipe in the 36 extra-mega-roll quantity, I am kinda glad I am wearing a mask, and vaccine-wise, after I get my second shot of the Pfizer good-good, I might keep wearing a mask, you know?

I mean, when I’m standing at the Price Club deli for some sliced meats and/or cheeses, I’m also glad that they aren’t performing the whole “would you like to taste a slice” comedy, which I have never supported. Are you familiar with this bullshit? You order some sliced meat or a cheese (sliced), and the slicer slices a slice, and then holds up the slice toward you and asks you if you would care to “taste” the slice, which I gotta say, I have done in the past out of surprise or, I dunno, politeness?

I don’t wanna be the jerk who rejects the slicer’s offering, it always seems kinda rude to reject food, however, the slice, MY slice, is being held up and waived around in the air, so it’s kinda becoming a used slice, you know? And then if I don’t “taste” it, this kinda dirty slice goes back into my piles of slices! I don’t want the Demonstration slice! Pre-owned slice! Also, what am I, a fucking trained sea lion or something? Urp-urp! Ooh, slice! Urp! Glomp!

Look, I already said I wanted the goddamn Black Forest Ham! I have a pretty good idea of what a Black Forest Ham tastes like! What am I, dealing with a sommelier, I’m gonna sniff and tell the Coldcuts Steward the Black Forest Ham is “corked” or some fucking Ham Enthusiast critical note? Slice my ham, stop fooling around!

It’s like at the hibachi restaurant or whatever it’s called, teppanyaki? Where the chefs chop the stuff up on the grill and then throw shrimps or whatever at the customers? That’s totally the chef being like “Yeah, c’mon dogs, eat this shrimp, jump for it! Open wide! Yeah, beg for the dinner meal you are paying for, sucker! I like dinner-and-a-show, but I don’t dig being the show when I’m paying for the motherfucking dinner!

Anyway, the Price Club used to be full of this HERE TASTE THIS stuff, there’d be sampler-stations where employees with hairnets and those food-gloves were set up for Food Service, and they’d be grillin’ little sausages or frozen appetizers or whatever, and it was like the goddamn midway at the county fair, with carnies asking you to try some of the new turkey meatballs or mini-bagel mini-pizzas or some other frozen thing. The sample-stations stress me out! I don’t want to interact at the Price Club! I don’t want to feel weird because I didn’t like the spinach-and-cheese puff pastry appetizer! They have the Product right there so right after you glumph down a toothpick-mounted chunk of whatever, they ask you if you’d like to take some home since you ate it and obviously enjoyed! I feel bad rejecting somebody who just fed me! I don’t wanna taste anything because then I will taste guilt for not purchasing a five-pound sack of pigs-in-blankets! I don’t know what to do with the toothpick when I’m done! I just wanna get my 24-count crate of Kraft Cheese Dinner and some bulk-pack coffee beans and toothpaste and get the fuck out!

Masks have stopped all this sampling business! It’s not good hygiene to be handling passed appetizers and pulling the mask up to get it in your appetizer-hole! It’s great! I think even when this Current Unpleasantness passes, I will just keep wearing the mask in the Price Club, and nobody will try and feed me. Urp-urp!