MR. WRONG: Summer of Spam

in Hmm Weekly
on June 1, 2021

THE OTHER DAY I got this stupid fucking email that made me mad, it’s not anybody’s fault:

“It’s a Haute Girl Summer,” because somebody who has to get people to go to a place and spend money for Goods and/or Services came up with a Package for the business they work for and it got ran up the Flagpole and a buncha Decision Makers saluted that shit; “It’s A Haute Girl Summer.” Jesus S. Christ. Yeah, that sound has bounced around lotsa ears already, “Haute” is like “Hot,” and Hot is like Heat and Heat is a thing in the Summer, but jeepers, c’mon, why does it have to be any kind of a Summer except a Good one? Why can’t we all just have a Summer?!?

The last time I remember an annoying thing on my computer about Summer was that daffy dipshit people were laughing at who said it was “White Boy Summer.” Oy vey, what a maroon, all Summer long, eh? That went nowhere, which was good, except I guess that dope got Heat off it, and that’s all that counts, is that still a thing, “There is no such thing as Bad Press?”

Who knows where that boob got the idea, I don’t know who got ripped off for sure, and I don’t have to know, because this is all about me being annoyed about whose Summer it is! Meanwhile, whose Summer is it? All I can think is: Summer of Sam, that was an Ownership of a Summer, you could look it up! This shit needs to stop!

Also! It’s not fucking even any goddamn kind of any fucking Summer yet! This email wanted participation over Memorial Day The Wknd, and Summer doesn’t start until June 21! It’s a thing on the Calendar! Days! Years! Seasons of which to Everything There is A Season! Summer!

Look, it’s Your Summer! Most importantly—put please to yourself in my zapatas for a moment, walk over to the fridge and select a nice cold beverage of your choice—it’s My Summer! In like three fucking weeks from now! Seasonally!

If I forget and don’t see you before Summer, please enjoy Summer and a Better Summer than last time and a Good Summer and a Nice Summer and an Endless Summer and YOUR Summer, OK? Be Your Own Summer! Not Haute! Thank you.