MR. WRONG: Now Is Nothing

in Hmm Weekly
on January 6, 2021

IT’S THE MOST wonderful time of the year: Nothing. No more The Holidays, a kabillion days away from a so-called New Year and more dopey Resolutions (which, in my case is the same one every year: To Be Perfect), and I know there’s some sorta Election happening, but it’s almost over and I don’t have to do anything, which is good, because I don’t want to. It’s cold outside and there’s still Pestilence going on Out There, so I am staying home, sheltering in place, hunkering down, and I don’t have to think about anything until Groundhog Day or Super Bowl, whichever comes first.

Personally I do not approve of how the Groundhog is handled, for its Day, I don’t think anybody should touch a Groundhog except in cases of a Medical Emergency or legitimate complaint, but I enjoy the idea of worshipping a fur-bearing Oracle of Meteorology, especially since it’s pretty much six weeks of weather until Spring no matter what, eh? Yes, Groundhog! You are correct! Again! The Groundhog is in the perfect position for a Tout, right in the middle. I just wish they (The Groundhogs) got more out of all the fetishization, you know? Plus, Groundhog Day is a perfect Holy Day of Obligation because there is no obligation, no presents, all you do is think, very briefly, about the weather and the implied considered opinion of a rodent or mammal or whatever the Groundhog is, on its Day.

Then at some point is also Super Bowl, and I don’t give a flying monkey trying to fuck a rolling football about the NFL, but I like to eat and drink and make bets while I watch commercials, and there’s zero mental preparation required outside of wondering about the wagering opportunities on stuff like the coin toss and the length of the National Anthem as sung by whoever. When is a robot gonna sing the National Anthem? Has that happened yet? I bet it will be one of those terrifying dancing robots, Jesus Christ, or that dog-shaped one, holy shit, one more reason to stay inside, yow.

Anyway, look, there’s so much Nothing stretching out in front of us here in 2021, I suggest that you embrace some of it, just get you some Nothing, you know? I mean, there’s all the usual Everything, but there’s no Extra Anything, does that make sense? It’s great and it’s not gonna last!