Groundhog on Laval University campus, Quebec, Canada. Photo by Cephas, via Wikipedia, where Today I Learned that a Groundhog is a Marmot, and this one went to college! Groundhog!

MR. WRONG: Groundhog!

by
in Hmm Weekly
on February 2, 2021

TODAY IS FEBRUARY 2, 2021, a/k/a Groundhog Day. It is a day where people traditionally force a wild fur-bearing mammal, or maybe it’s a rodent—is a rodent a mammal? Look, it doesn’t matter, it’s like a beaver, the Groundhog, only without the beaver tail, or it’s kinda like a really big guinea pig. It’s brown, sometimes out on Our Nation’s Highways, you see them, at the side of the road in the grass, kinda looking around, very mellow, but mostly the Groundhog doesn’t do anything besides mind its own business. Learn from the Groundhog!

OK, so like I was saying, people force the Groundhog, right around the Dead of Winter, to take part in a phony-baloney ritualistic hearkening to Springtime, and they make the unfortunate creatures socialize with humans so that we can all lord over a helpless animal and show how Top Of The Foodchain we are by patronizingly petitioning a dumb animal for a long-range weather forecast, and people read stuff on stupid fucking scrolls that was supposedly said by the Groundhog about the weather, but it’s just attention-starved adults doing what they do, only instead of forcing their children to play little league or compete in pageants or become actors, they bend this unfortunate critter to the task of soaking up attention.

I mean, no offense to any Groundhogs, but if this was a legit Event, we’d be roasting the fucking Groundhogs and eating them, actively saluting, thanking, and incorporating the noble creature into our Survival story, swapping our best recipes for Groundhog etouffe or whatever, but instead, we just ridicule and torture them, like, for instance the boob who is the Mayor of New York City, he got sucked into this Groundhog exploitation, and dropped the poor Groundhog and it died, just so he could get a relatable photo-opportunity.

Personally, I do not want to eat a Groundhog. I called a place where they sell muskrat to see if they had some groundhog, and a voice off-phone said “We can’t sell that. Take your gun out and go hunt it.”

I Googled “how many days until spring” and went to a web site called howmanydaysuntil.center, where I was greeted by a picture of the famous Groundhog Day movie actor Bill Murray with a groundhog, and I found a countdown clock that shows spring starts in 45 days, which is about six weeks from now, which is always the answer, right? The Groundhog supposedly “sees its shadow” and then communicates via a secret language that there’s six more weeks of winter, or there’s six weeks until spring. See? We wonder why people believe in a Space Laser that causes forest fires and meanwhile we don’t say a goddamn shit fucking thing when people say they are gonna have a party and ask a Groundhog about meteorology! 

Oh, c’mon, relax, it’s just a bit of fun, it’s been a long winter, it’s a joke! Sure, that’s how all this shit gets started! It’s always just a joke! We need to get serious about this fucking weather! The icebergs are melting! The frozen poles of our planet are dissolving into the sea and we’re laughing it up about a Groundhog! Stop using a dumb animal to tell people it’s gonna be spring in six weeks! It’s gonna be winter for the next six weeks! Get a goddamn calendar! Groundhog!