MR. WRONG: Put A Cork In It

in Hmm Weekly
on January 13, 2021

I LIKE TO drink wine more than I used to. Anyway, I’m drinking more. I know it’s January, and a lotta people like to “dry out” and not drink any wine, or beer, or liquor, or that new-style juice that’s fizzy water with hooch in it, and have a “Dry January,” or “Dryuary,” for fuck’s sake, first of all, why not save it for February, the shortest month? No offense, but at least then the rest of us would get, like, three less days of people yammering about having a dry January, Jesus Christ, seriously, you gotta find a way to wedge that little fact in all the time, that you are doing a Dry, or you picked a bad time to have a Dry? When is a good time? There’s no good time! More wine!

Also, Jesus Christ didn’t give a fuck about Dry January, he hooked people up, with wine, even, according to that book he wrote, right? Sure, lay off the sauce, but do it without all the blabbering, so as not to give anybody else a reason to want to drink more than usual to deaden all the LOOK AT ME I AM ABSTAINING FROM A THING emanations, OK?

For real, though, if you are having a Dry for Mental and Health Reasons, cheers, it’s a good idea, and I’m not trying to empty my glass on your Dry Parade, so I apologize, it’s none of my business if you wanna Dry that shit out as Dry as you want, just don’t give it a cutesy fucking name like it’s a Thing, I don’t support that crap, and for that I don’t apologize. I know that’s not a good apology, but that’s as far as I could take it.

When I say a “Thing,” I mean like how, conversely, and not Dry-wise, people have to do this bullshit on a Sunday when they want to pretend they are watching football or something and say they are having “Sunday Funday,” or “Brunch.” For fuck’s sake, just get loaded on Sunday, don’t give it a goddamn Title like it’s a Thing, to somehow transform the idea that you’re generally not supposed to get wasted on Sunday because you have a job? It’s like, you could maybe try and imagine that a good thing to do would be to have boundaries, and that in a typical workaday world, Sunday should be the Dry fucking January of the week, unless you do not work M-F or you are un-or-under-employed, in which case, I get it, there’s no tomorrow, but just don’t be all “Sunday Funday” about it, mega-barf. Pretty much if you are drinking on Sunday, it’s not funday. And don’t drink that Fireball shit.

Getting back to wine, though, and me generally just drinking more of it, it’s just, like, a trend, I got a bottle of Sangria, it’s not on account of the Recent Unpleasantness. I mean, I’m no expert, but if you are drinking more because things are not going well, I don’t think that’s a way to make things go better, you know? Having some drinks can be Medicinal, but it’s not Medicine, does that make sense? Get outside for a walk or something, like I do. Every Friday I take a walk for about a mile, to this liquor store, and I buy a beer and drink it in the parking lot, which is a healthy way to do that. Plus, I can’t get too hammered because I gotta walk home. It’s a good system. I dunno why I never buy a bottle of wine and drink it in the parking lot, but I don’t. I think it’s because wine is so much stronger than beer, if I bought a thing of wine, I’d get too fuzzy, because I drink wine fast, because I do not know how to drink wine. I really don’t even like wine that much.

Personally, when I say “wine,” I’m not talking about good stuff with a cork that Serious oenophiles will report as perhaps presenting notes of dry autumn leaves and rubber pencil erasers and the dreams of a long-ago summer and stuff, and I’m not making fun of people who drink so much fucking wine (and maybe spit some of it out into a classy bucket) that they can break it down that way, into how meaty or big it is and what kind of cigarette smoke or paint thinner smell it reminds them of. Respect, seriously, everybody needs a hobby.

When I talk about how I drink wine, I’m talking about stuff like Chianti, yeah, and Sangria, wowzers, I could drink a whole thing of that shit, seriously. No offense to any winos on the Fortified tipple, I am indeed talking about easy-drinking wine, the kind that gets you there, see? I have a special festive glass in the house that I use for drinking wine, it has the beloved children’s book character Curious George on it, and that’s just a coincidence, the reason I use the glass is because it’s little, so when I glug some glugs outta my Sangria bottle into the glass, it fills up quick and that’s one dose of wine, get it? If I used a standard wine glass, you’re supposed to fill it like a third of the way at the most, so you can swirl the vino around and enjoy the smells and decide what they smell like, but I want a whole glass of wine, OK? I got a system, I got this thing under control. Don’t worry if you aren’t drinking right now, I get it.